yandao.com - Memoirs of a player wannabe

So, you’ve probably heard your “good” friends in a specific business from a specific company engaged in some specific project located in China, specifically something to do with a specific wireless technology targeted at specific quick earnings.

(Wait ar, how many times did I use the word “specific” there?)

And the catchline is always the same – hardball sales tactic, with everyone else signing up too, and it all seems too convincing and too good to be true. Deep inside you, you DO know it’s too good to be true, but being the sucker that you are, you either:

a) Succumb to your “good” friend’s persuasion (damn, you really suck, don’t you?

b) Play dumb – but then again, this is hardball sales, so they will pressure you to decide before “Sunday” – because that’s when the first payment comes, and you will lose, say $300 payout if you don’t decide before than. Oh, and lookie – tomorrow’s Sunday!

Okay, this applies to every other investment scheme too, and everything else which seems too good to be true.

Now, Kelvin, being the extremely good, kind, and well, benevolent person he is, has thought long and hard on how to counter such pressure sales tactic – or rather, “good lobang tactic”. And here’s how it’s actually done – allow me to demonstrate:

“Good” Friend: Eh Kelvin bro, long time no see, how’s life? How’s study? [insert usual crap here]

Kelvin (Me): Orh, okay lor. Things are going the way it should be. [Inside heart: "KNNNB! Another one of those investment / self-improvement crap Friend-turn-salesperson"

Friend: I recently made alot of money leh! You know now I can afford my expensive Gucci/Hugo Boss/Armani Exchange suit. I make $500/day sia!

Me: [Inside heart: "Wah, if you so rich, still need to talk to me?"] Wow, so impressive! How did you do it?

Friend: I invest in the [specific] China Wireless project lah! You know I started that time I put in $3000 and I get back $300 per week! That’s like 10% man! Within 10 weeks I get back my full $3000!

Me: So cool! Tell me about it! [Inside heart: "STFU bitch, I know where this is going"]

Friend: Basically, I got 3 packages, Bronze Package, Silver Package and Gold Package

Me: Uh huh, and then?

Friend: If you don’t belief me, can start SMALL, real small! No harm trying, right?

Me: [Inside heart: "You 3rd Rate salespeople suck, really."] – Ya! I want to start small! How much?

Friend: Not much lah, $3000 can already! You can take back in ten weeks! In fact, tomorrow already got first payout of $300!

Me: Wah! So cool! On lah! I want! Steady man, $3000 no problem. I want your Gold Package, $10000 since you are my longtime buddy and I trust you alot!

[At this point, you have to make a decision, or act blur, in which they will try to pressure you into buying their crappy product/investment. I would personally whack them back flat-flat.]

Friend: Okay, you got the cash with you now?
Me: Got got, it’s in the bank, I can go get it now! You come with me okay?

[Friend's heart beams with joy, knowing thinking he will get like 60% commission and he's gonna be so bloody rich after today]

Me: [pauses] But then, it’s in my US Dollar account, which is currently trading Forex markets – I’m buying GBPUSD now, and to withdraw around $10000 and to make sure I don’t lose any positions, I will need $3000 cash to pay the broker fee first.

Me: Since you one day earn $500, and you now got Gucci stuff, can help me out right? Otherwise I lose money leh bro! Can lah, you help me take out $3000, I next week pull out $10000 for you!

[Friend shuts up and remains speechless for ten minutes, in which I decide that I have another engagement and tells him that we'll talk again soon.]

PWNED! Er, I mean, hahahaha. Sucker.

Honestly, please tell your folks not to fall for these crap investments. And feel free to use my apparently powderful technique above…