yandao.com - Memoirs of a player wannabe

People who *really* know me would know that I can be very irrational, impulsive, and unreasonably unreasonable at times – when I get pissed off by someone or something.

Actually, “at times” probably also means “at most times”. Oops.

Some other people with a higher order of thinking also stated that for one to change, one would first have to admit his/her mistakes, then, look back and reflect upon it, and lastly look what can be improved – and actively make the change. You cannot possibly expect an overnight change, right?

Okay, I guess this is the first step to making a change on that somehow messed up attitude – Admitting things.

You know, many people have talked to me about that irrational attitude – due to the very fact that when I do get pissed, well, I’ll make sure the possibly offending parties gets pissed too. Enter collateral damage – the term used to describe unintentional damage around the intended target, which occurs as a result of mass destruction.

Oh, at this point of time, I do think I owe Beatrice an apology for last weeks’ incident in class, whereby, before I wrote that “unreasonable front-stabbing Reflection Journal” of mine, I actually front-stabbed my whole team. Yes, it means screwing up your own team infront of the class, infront of the facilitator, and infront of everyone – to an extent that unmoving silence is heard.

Scary, I know – I promise not to do it again. =X

Anyways, I’m someone who goes very in-depth to the details: For people, I notice actions, expressions, gestures, blah blah blah. If you are wondering why I didn’t notice what YOU meant with that action/hint of yours, I probably did it on purpose. *Grins*

Hence, the details also tend to screw things up, like this:

Basically right, small things –> not-so-small things –> things –> BIG BIG THINGS.

That’s how screwups and misunderstandings occur from silly small small details – and yes, I’ve to admit that I made that error more than a few times with my extremely sweet girlfriend, Lafina. The thing is, usually when I get angry, I don’t show biasness =X.

[Insert quarrel of small, mundane matters in a relationship here. Yes yes, complete with shouts, ignores, and stuff. Come on, you can relate this part to some experience prior to reading this.]

Wow.

Did you catch did? Because I didn’t – either. Those were words said without much thought, and consideration, and well, could be hurtful to the other party/parties. And when you apply that hurtful template onto Kelvin – someone who can pretty much “smoke” his way through almost any questioning party, well, it actually becomes very, very offensive.

The party at the other end would probably think something like: “WTF! How come suddenly I’m accused and now its 101% my fault? What did I do?”

That, hor, is the efficiency of my carefully crafted phrases, should I decide to use them. Don’t try me, thanks – I’m trying to CHANGE here.

As expected, I subconsciously used it on Lafina, more than once – and though we had talks about this like MANY times. I kept repeating the same mistake over and over again. My excuse always was that I needed time to change. How true, when it’s already part of your natural self to use it against others.

Then, once, while I was having a really er, straightforward talk with her.. Well, look for yourself.:

Kelvin: You are damn cute lah, always trying to assure me (of things)
Lafina: Of coz! Coz i very scared when you get angry, dar!
Kelvin: And why’re you so scared, dar?
Lafina: Coz you will lose temper on me.. or you will ignore me
Lafina: So, I don want to get ignored – I want to feel loved – and not ignored.

Kelvin stares in wide-eyed realization for many seconds.

No, really. I can NEVER get that last sentence (of this excerpt) that she said out of my head. Every time I feel like flaring up over something, that phrase will come into my mind and haunt me like a guilty conscience – and well, that’s really what prompted the Change.

Sometimes, only the ones you really love and care for can make you do really drastic things – in a positive way.

Time for a change for you, perhaps? La la la la~